Sizes and Struggles

I’ve always been one to say that my size doesn’t matter, my weight doesn’t matter… it’s about how I feel. I really feel like I was in denial now. I’ve never felt as good as I feel now. Nothing feels as good as being Healthy. No amount of food, or anything that people say or think about me can change this feeling. My husband and I were listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and they had a plastic surgeon on, and the hosts were gonna spin the wheel and get a procedure done. This included, fake 6 pack, fuller lips, arms tightened, and a butt job. Like no joke. My husband said this is an insult to people like me who are working hard to get their body how they want it. And it is. Actually it’s kind of an abomination to the human body. I’m not saying corrective surgery is bad – but fake muscles? How lazy are you? Anyway that was my rant for the day.

Back to the topic… My smallest size, was a juniors 11 or about a woman’s (8) I was 13 years old. My largest size was a plus size woman’s 26 – I was 19 years old- I used to make my clothes because I hated trying on clothes. My years in high school were some of the worst years of my life. I was depressed and had no friends. This was due to a lot of things that are too painful and too long and traumatic to discuss right now- perhaps I will in a different post. That was also when I began to eat my feelings. Needless to say – I gained about 100 lbs or more. Food is my frenemy.

When I moved away to college, I walked everywhere, and I lost most of that weight – I spent much of college bouncing between a 14, and 16. After I was laid off from my first semi-real job after college- I stayed around a size 18. When I moved to California I started losing weight again – mostly because I was actually working again and I was eating a lot of subway since I worked there. I dropped down to a size 14. Then I got preggo… I didn’t gain weight right away, but when I started wearing maternity clothes it was really easy to lose track of a sense of size- I was swollen, and gaining fat too- and maternity clothes are only labeled S, M, L, XL, XXL- I was always an XXL on my bottom… so I didn’t think anything of it. But on top I was the same size too- I thought  it’s just my stomach. I tried so hard not to gain weight during my pregnancy I stayed away from so many things. I drank lots of bottled water too- little did I know those “Minerals for taste” included sodium! A BIG NO NO for pregnancy and Preeclampsia. I was well over 300lbs. After I had my son (another future post)… I dropped about 40 lbs of water weight/baby/placenta – and I really had only gained 15 lbs. I wasn’t too far off from where I was… But I guess my pregnancy was kind of like a diet in  my head… I stopped breast feeding when my son was 3 months… and I gorged myself on junk and fast food and pop- because I had denied myself so long. I wasn’t interested in losing weight, I didn’t care what size I was, I just wanted to eat – to eat. Food is my frenemy.

Right now my jeans are a size 20 and my work pants are a size 24… so I’ll take the average and say I’m a size 22.

In the past few years I’ve yo-yo-ed with my weight and sizes. I really don’t want to be like that anymore and I’m so glad that I’ve decided to make a change. Eating right and working out feels so rewarding. I’m seeing great results and I’m super excited about the future. Everyday is a challenge – but I’m not struggling anymore with my weight – I decided to take control over it instead of letting it have control over me. I guess I have to set a goal for my ideal “size”… I think I would like to be a size 10 or 12. I’ve always had a muscular/large frame – I wouldn’t want to be tiny- I want to be toned. It would also be great to not shop in the plus size section/stores anymore.  I have this one dress I used to wear when I was dating my husband, and working at subway – it’s one of the only clothing items I kept that was a smaller size. It was a little snug at the time- I would like to wear it how it should be worn. Pic of part of the dress, below. GOAL DRESS!!! Food is my bitch now.

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5 responses to “Sizes and Struggles”

  1. Becoming the Best Me says :

    I find surgeries like that insulting to the human race as well. Our bodies are awesome machines and we need to treat them well. I honestly didn’t realize you could get fake ABS but sadly I’m not really surprised. I want to work for my perfect body (aka my body in the best shape it should be. Toned and stuff).

  2. Ashley @ OurPersonalRecords says :

    I agree about the surgeries. It’s just lazy to get surgery to make it look like you have muscles. Putting the work in is worth more than the results some times!

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