Can’t Sleep

I wrote this post on Monday Night- had it saved as a draft because I wasn’t sure about posting it… But decided- might as well.

I’m sure you’ve been here…. Your mind is cluttered and you can’t sleep. Right now that’s me. I should be celebrating! I started my new job yesterday, and I can tell I’m really going to like it.

However, I just can’t shake some of the feelings I have from the tottally messed up argument I had with my sister… That is if it was an argument at all? This particular sister and I, have never really gotten along… So we probably shouldn’t have ever tried to get along. However I pushed and pursued it- because we are sisters and both adults. But some people just don’t realize how much you’ve changed and grown- when they keep assuming that you’re the same as you’ve always been. I feel like she’s been looking to get out of a sister relationship with me, but I was clinging on to something that wasn’t there. Honestly, she wasn’t there for me in my greatest time of need, nothing I can change- but I really don’t hold that against her- I might have brought it up before, just because that time of need was life shaking and life altering for me… And she’ll never understand that. I feel like she’s bitter about a lot of things, things I can’t help or change. My father co-signed loans for my tuition so I could go to school. But I did the work, I paid my rent, etc- worked my way through college. In no way was I supported fully by my parents. I was kind of kicked out at 18. I think in her head I’m a spoiled little brat that got college paid for. I’ll never be done paying my loans. My tuition was 60k a year! Out of state art school… Yeah. I regret that. It’s very frustrating, when people assume a whole lot… And think they know you- but really don’t. Especially when that person is your sibling… And they are constantly telling you are a certain way… And your so clearly not- but they can’t change their definition of you in their head. I’m not sure I was that way with her. I’m not sure how to describe how I feel about her other than confused. She’s my sister and I’ll always love her, and I would’ve done anything for her… But we never really got along and I don’t think we ever will. We’re too different, and too stubborn. The only bond we had or was forming was as aunts to eachothers kids. Which I liked. But she’s denying me that. I feel like she hates me for some reason. I don’t know if she resents me, or what.

When I was lying in the hospital bed, after being beat up by my ex. No one was in that room with me. I was happy to be alive. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come. I had no one. She didn’t even enter my mind. She hadn’t spoken to me in over a year. Then all of a sudden, she emails me when I’m in California? She’s my sister. I will always try. Her attitude was basically “I told you so”. No one could’ve predicted what happened with my ex. No one. And it sure as hell wasn’t my fault. So why was that her attitude? I think that’s what kept me from ever telling her about the happenings of my current life- her attitude after I let her back into my life. I was a victim of domestic violence. And she was judgmental and condescending. It wasn’t my fault and damn anyone who says it was. If I have one regret out of all of this- it’s letting her into my life after that. I’m not sure if she helped me out of love or guilt… But love doesn’t blame and it doesn’t resent. My ex, and his family didn’t agree with me letting her back into my life. And maybe I should’ve listened- but at the time I was confused and didn’t think my sister would hurt me. After all, why would I listen to someone who had just beaten me up? There’s a lot more to this story- I’ll blog about it one day… I’m just not ready to talk about it fully.

The bottom line is, my sister didn’t know what happened to me- until someone in our family told her. She wasn’t looking for me, she was never concerned about me. I was done making efforts to try to talk to her. I had finally let go… And here she came waltzing back into my life like it wasn’t anything. And dummy me, I let her in.

Saturday, she decided she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. For whatever her reason. I’m really confused as to what exactly happened… But I’m not going to try to understand her logic.

At this point I’m sort of sad, sort of relieved and sort of mad… I’m not going to get into the petty things that were said- I’m just gonna let them go. Simply put- she wasn’t in my life when I needed her because at the time she didn’t want to be. So what’s different now? Nothing. I’ve been through worse things without her, obviously. Now I’m lucky enough to have my husband and son. I have my own family- that doesn’t include her (ironically- this is what she told me all those years ago.)

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