So mad at myself.
Here’s the deal. Everyone falls off the wagon at some point. Right? Yeah, I did. And I made excuses for myself. But really, I got lazy, complacent and comfortable… and I gained ALL the weight I lost previously… BACK. Yes all!!!
When I started this journey, I was 286 pounds. I’m right back there. It was a wake up call. I joined a Biggest Loser Challenge at work, and well… I gained weight. I wasn’t even trying. How did I expect change? I weighed in at 270, 3 months later my final weigh in was 286. THAT NUMBER.
THAT NUMBER, why that number??? Why is that number my wake up call? Because it’s so damn close to 300 lbs! That’s why. I’m not saying 270 is that far off, but 286 just sounds a whole lot worse. I gained a WHOPPING 16 pounds in 3 months. From the 4th of July to Labor day.
I could say that I switched my schedule at work and working nights is sooo horrible and I eat late and blah blah blah… but really? I work from 4 pm to 12:30 am and that’s not that bad. I shouldn’t have to nap all day or sleep in… I can get adequate sleep and wake up at a decent time to work out and do all the things I want/need to do around the house and spend enough time with my son. Truth be told, I was just making bad choices. I don’t have to eat dinner at 9 pm… I can eat earlier and munch on baby carrots or grapes if I get hungry late at work… I don’t have to snack when I get home then go to sleep. In fact I don’t have to stay up at all when I get home – because that just makes me sleep later. Eating late, sleeping then napping during the day… my digestive system is slow when I’m sleeping… I know that… so all that food is just sitting there in my system. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??? I KNOW THIS???
Needless to say that kick in my ass last week and a great conversation with my husband about life and progress and goals – has brought me to this point. I have to work out. And I don’t need to eat junk. I can’t eat junk. Some people can (like my hubby) and it has no effect on them… I am not one of those people and I know that. I mean, we have about 2 gallons of ice cream in our freezer… and I’m very tempted… We also have juice bars in there – so I need to just make smart choices. I’m mad at myself because I’ve just been so stupid. I eat enough fruits and vegetables… but I need to cut my dairy and my carbs back down. I’ve been through this. I know this.
My pants are getting tight and uncomfortable, and I got to the point where I don’t fit some of my clothes or they are too tight or short… and I found myself thinking – “too bad I got rid of those shirts”… WHAT THE HELL?! I was MISSING my FAT CLOTHES???!!??! And my husband, in our wonderful conversation said that I was gaining some weight and he knew I was self conscious… and well… yeah I have been. (I might add, he wasn’t negative about it and we didn’t talk about my weight or gaining some)… I haven’t even been able to fit into my jeans. 😭 I’ve been wearing workout clothes on the weekend… but haven’t been working out (obviously)… they are the only things that are comfortable… because they have stretchy material.
This brings me to today and yesterday. I woke up at 6 am, and did yoga. The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga. AND MAN OH MAN, I was baking like a toasted cheeser! I even noted improvement from yesterday to today. I also remembered I was more flexible when I was working out regularly.
To make me feel even worse about myself, I want another baby (I’ll include my husband in that as well). And have been off birth control since December 2013… Still not pregnant… If you know anything about the female reproductive system, If a woman is overweight or underweight – there runs of chance of no ovulation. I guess I haven’t been ovulating. Again, I know all this stuff. Why did I choose to be lazy? I can say I was stressed… I was. But I didn’t have to stress eat, I could have worked out instead. But enough beating myself up…
These past 2 mornings, have been exactly what I think mornings should be. Early, quiet, relaxing and yoga-filled. I like this “Me-Time” thing. I didn’t get quite as much done during the day yesterday as I wanted to, but all my vitamins are kicking in… and I’m enjoying a cup of coffee right now… so, I’ll be able to make a nice dinner before I head to work. I’m also really glad I have time to blog now. I really missed it.
I weighed myself this morning and I was 276… I’m glad that my digestive system has been working again. 😉 I woke up this morning and drank a bottle of water first thing. A great way to kick start the digestive system! Then – workout, shower, breakfast and vitamins. I guess I’ll take all my measurements soon.
I definetly feel some of those things off that list already after only 2 days. I woke up very easily this morning without my alarm clock.
So here I am starting over, for the last time. I’ll be 30 next year, and I’m not getting younger. I want to have my next kid before my son turns 5, he’ll be 3 this month. But I know that after 30 – Dr’s will categorize my pregnancy as high risk… and I don’t need to be obese on top of that – they’ll friggin put me on bed rest or something. Maybe it’s a blessing that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, I want to have a healthy pregnancy. This isn’t the last you’ve heard from me!! Look forward to my progress. 😉