“fat people are lazy”

So I want to talk about something that I think happens to fat people that doesn’t get talked about very often.

The assumption that “fat people are lazy”

Just because someone is overweight, obese, or fat whatever you want to call it – doesn’t mean they are lazy! Unless you are with someone 24/7 and know what they do all the time you don’t know if they are lazy. You don’t know what that person did to become overweight.

For example I am overweight not because I am lazy – but because I overeat. I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and eating has been my way to deal with it. Not the best thing to do – but hey most people become addicted to drugs or alcohol when you’ve been through the shit I’ve been though.

I’ve always been a hard worker – but I noticed having been up and down with my weight that being overweight in a corporate world – fucking sucks. People assume that you are lazy. You are too lazy to lose weight so you must be too lazy to do your job or hire you for a new one.

I’ve been passed up for a job I was more than qualified for and I feel slightly like it was because of how I look. I’m a designer – so I guess how I look is weighed more heavily than how my designs are. Which is so shitty and backwards – but when you are essentially “the face” for a company and deal with branding – you have to “fit” the brand.

I’ve felt this way more than once in my career. And let me be the first one to say – it feels so shitty. And I will also say, I have a list of people that aren’t the nicest people to me now – and I know of at least two people that will probably be nicer to me when I lose more weight. I could put money on it. There are truly so many superficial people in the world. And maybe I don’t dress as nice as I should – but I’m a contractor and I don’t get paid enough to have a budget for clothes. Not to mention the bigger you are – the more expensive your clothes – which is pretty shitty too.

This is something that I constantly go back and forth with in my head. And this isn’t motivation for me to lose weight but a deterrent. I don’t want to be friends with or want someone to be nice to me because I’m pretty and small. Be nice to me because I’m a good person, because I’ve lived through shit, because I’m nice, because I’m a great designer, because I’m a good mom, because I’m a hard-worker.

But I have my list, and I know who the fake people are – they say “elephants never forget” which is a shitty way to say that fat people don’t forget.

You know why people don’t forget that you mistreated them? BECAUSE YOU MISTREATED THEM – IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WEIGHT!!!!

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RIP Mayonnaise

So, I’ve been doing good. Logging my food everyday. I made a lot of changes and even though my dietician said I have 1300 calories a day – my daily net calorie intake has been around 1000-1100. I know that my home scale isn’t as accurate as the one at the doctors office… but at home I was weighing around 305 lbs, and the number has been dropping steadily and this morning it was 284! So I’ve lost around 20 lbs in one week. I was curious to how the fat leaves my body since – I haven’t been working out just changing the way I eat and what I put in my body… I read it may be related to lose stools too…. TMI? Maybe.

Here are some links I found.

http://study.com/academy/lesson/lipids-digestion-and-absorption.html

http://healthyeating.sfgate.com/fats-digested-8510.html

How To Burn Stored Body Fat — A Ketosis Primer

http://www.eattoperform.com/2015/01/30/basics-of-losing-body-fat/

 

So with all this information in my head… we went to the grocery store yesterday. We stocked up on a lot of healthy options – especially things everyone can enjoy. One thing that I am cutting is carbs – I’m trying to eat even less than the recommended amount. I heard and read that once I’m able to eat normally after my surgery – eating pasta, rice and bread may be nearly impossible as it expands in your stomach. I heard it’s uncomfortable – but it may take up needed space in my stomach for protein or other nutrients. I’m a fan of wraps, but I decided to try sandwich thins (100 calories per 2 slices)… I can get down with that. They taste really good too. I was making a sandwich with rotisserie chicken and I pulled out the mayonnaise… then it dawned on me – the last time I lost a bunch of weight I didn’t give up mayo… In fact ever since I tasted real Mayonnaise (I grew up on Miracle Whip)… I’ve never thought about life without it. I have never looked at the label on the back of the Hellman’s until yesterday. 90 calories per 1 tablespoon. It was almost a full jar – but I had to throw it out. I made my sandwich with yellow mustard instead (0 calories)… I texted my husband. I said “I can’t eat mayonnaise… I had to throw it out… RIP Mayonnaise”… then he replied “What is mayonnaise anyway?” and honestly I couldn’t tell him. He doesn’t eat mayonnaise, he likes thousand island on everything. I went to the store today to get honey mustard, but I was surprised there were other kinds of mustard that I haven’t tried before. I guess I will be a mustard connoisseur from now on. I couldn’t add almost 200 calories to my sandwich (because I’ll be honest I don’t like a dry sandwich!)… 200 calories would be more than the chicken I ate or more than the sandwich thins! I couldn’t do that to myself. I have to shrink my liver before surgery, and I need to make better choices for myself.

So RIP Mayonnaise, I can do better without you.

 

 

 

Another day, another step forward

This morning, I decided to clean out the cabinets. Even though I had throwing food away – if I, or my family aren’t or shouldn’t eat it – it got thrown away. My husband would like to bake a cake and cookies… but I’m not sure how I feel about it… the cake not so much, but the cookies. That’s probably my treat of choice.

I’m currently on a strict diet to get ready for surgery. I’m allotted 1300 calories a day or less. Which breaks down to 40% carbohydrates or less, 30% fat or less and 30% protein or more a day. I actually was 45% carbs and 25% protein but I changed it in myfitnesspal. I was told that once I have surgery and am able to eat food again – pasta, rice and bread will be hard to eat because it expands in your stomach. So, I’m saying goodbye to them now and going back to my previous diet of really limiting carbs. And as much as I love potatoes, I’m going to make better choices with them.

This morning my husband and son enjoyed cinnamon rolls (one of the foods that was in the refrigerator)… and I opted for my BodyByVi nutrition shake made with 4oz of water and 4oz of milk. The dietician said I can have low-fat milk, which I was excited about. Even though Almond, soy and coconut milk are good – I always get tired of them and crave milk. As long as I limit my intake to 8oz a day or less, I’ll be ok. I’ll be switching the family to 1%, but for now mixing water and 2% will be ok for me. I also added cinnamon and nutmeg to my shake… that’s like a cinnamon roll – right? The dietician also said that the BodyByVi nutritional shakes have a good source of protein/low fat and they actually are on the shelf of their health store.

If you are interested in being friends with me on myfitnesspal – naomisilas7

It’s been 15 months since my last post…

I feel like this is a confession, and maybe it is. But I haven’t been doing well, and I haven’t been holding myself accountable. I was just re-reading a few of my old posts… and how did I fall so far off-track? The lifestyle I was so proud to change, has spiraled out of control and has left me in an even worst place than where I started.

Story time…

After my last post – I will never forget. It was my son’s 3rd birthday and I started having chest pains. Horribly bad chest pains. I thought it was a heart attack. After being rushed to the ER, I found out it was Costochondritis. Which is inflammation of the junctions where the upper ribs join the cartilage that holds them to the breastbone (sternum). Caused by stress, and more common in women. Still, my doctor wanted to do a ton of tests because of my family history of Heart Disease. This lasted a few months, I even have drafts of updates to this blog about it – though I never posted. It was hard to go though, and my doctor even suggested bariatric surgery to me. He told me “to lose all the weight you need to, it would take you 10 years.” Not very optimistic – that guy, though he had a point. It was hard to hear and even harder to talk about. At the time I was about 270lbs. I had just yo-yo’ed back “up”…

December 2014, my husband and I decided to relocate our family to Michigan. We made the move at the end of January 2015.

Another year goes by, and I was up and down between 255 and 280, skirting with 300 lbs. Super stressed out, and not at all finding the light at the end of the tunnel. I lost my way. I started a lot of things, but didn’t follow through. I lost my motivation, and my optimistic attitude that I once had.

Around November 2015, I decided – maybe I can’t do it all by myself? I start looking into bariatric surgery. I went to a free seminar just for more information. I didn’t know how it worked, I admit – I thought it was the lazy way out. After seeing all the information, and looking up more information on the internet about how it works… I decided to follow-up with a doctor.

This was a hard decision. My husband didn’t understand what I’d be doing. But he was in support of me, and went with me to the follow-up appointment. I had a lot of measurements done. I’m currently around 305 lbs and  seeing that and that my current fat % is 48.2, was a serious wake-up call. Literally almost half of me is fat.

So here I am today, blogging. I had 3 appointments yesterday. One with a dietician, one with a behaviorist, and one with my surgeon. It was good to be around so many positive people. This is what they do, they help people in my situation. And I realized, that not everyone is the same. Some people, like me – need help to not just to lose weight – but really to keep it off. That has been my problem. Now, I will have many tools to help me reach a healthy weight.

For me, this hasn’t been about being hot/skinny or anything like that. If I think about my reason – it has always been my son and the hope of having more children. Which hasn’t been able to happen because of my severely obese weight.

The behaviorist mentioned, that the one thing she hears over and over is that so many people have one regret – They wish they had done it sooner… So it’s good, that I’m doing this while I’m young and more and more people are.

I’m changing my life, this year. So, with that Happy New Year!

 

 

So mad at myself.

Here’s the deal. Everyone falls off the wagon at some point. Right? Yeah, I did. And I made excuses for myself. But really, I got lazy, complacent and comfortable… and I gained ALL the weight I lost previously… BACK. Yes all!!!

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When I started this journey, I was 286 pounds. I’m right back there. It was a wake up call. I joined a Biggest Loser Challenge at work, and well… I gained weight. I wasn’t even trying. How did I expect change? I weighed in at 270, 3 months later my final weigh in was 286. THAT NUMBER.

THAT NUMBER, why that number??? Why is that number my wake up call? Because it’s so damn close to 300 lbs! That’s why. I’m not saying 270 is that far off, but 286 just sounds a whole lot worse. I gained a WHOPPING 16 pounds in 3 months. From the 4th of July to Labor day.

I could say that I switched my schedule at work and working nights is sooo horrible and I eat late and blah blah blah… but really? I work from 4 pm to 12:30 am and that’s not that bad. I shouldn’t have to nap all day or sleep in… I can get adequate sleep and wake up at a decent time to work out and do all the things I want/need to do around the house and spend enough time with my son. Truth be told, I was just making bad choices. I don’t have to eat dinner at 9 pm… I can eat earlier and munch on baby carrots or grapes if I get hungry late at work…  I don’t have to snack when I get home then go to sleep. In fact I don’t have to stay up at all when I get home – because that just makes me sleep later. Eating late, sleeping then napping during the day… my digestive system is slow when I’m sleeping… I know that… so all that food is just sitting there in my system. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??? I KNOW THIS???

Needless to say that kick in my ass last week and a great conversation with my husband about life and progress and goals – has brought me to this point. I have to work out. And I don’t need to eat junk. I can’t eat junk. Some people can (like my hubby) and it has no effect on them… I am not one of those people and I know that. I mean, we have about 2 gallons of ice cream in our freezer… and I’m very tempted… We also have juice bars in there – so I need to just make smart choices. I’m mad at myself because I’ve just been so stupid. I eat enough fruits and vegetables… but I need to cut my dairy and my carbs back down. I’ve been through this. I know this.

My pants are getting tight and uncomfortable, and I got to the point where I don’t fit some of my clothes or they are too tight or short… and I found myself thinking – “too bad I got rid of those shirts”… WHAT THE HELL?! I was MISSING my FAT CLOTHES???!!??! And my husband, in our wonderful conversation said that I was gaining some weight and he knew I was self conscious… and well… yeah I have been. (I might add, he wasn’t negative about it and we didn’t talk about my weight or gaining some)… I haven’t even been able to fit into my jeans. 😭 I’ve been wearing workout clothes on the weekend… but haven’t been working out (obviously)… they are the only things that are comfortable… because they have stretchy material.

This brings me to today and yesterday. I woke up at 6 am, and did yoga. The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga. AND MAN OH MAN, I was baking like a toasted cheeser! I even noted improvement from yesterday to today. I also remembered I was more flexible when I was working out regularly.

To make me feel even worse about myself, I want another baby (I’ll include my husband in that as well). And have been off birth control since December 2013… Still not pregnant… If you know anything about the female reproductive system, If a woman is overweight or underweight – there runs of chance of no ovulation. I guess I haven’t been ovulating. Again, I know all this stuff. Why did I choose to be lazy? I can say I was stressed… I was. But I didn’t have to stress eat, I could have worked out instead. But enough beating myself up…

These past 2 mornings, have been exactly what I think mornings should be. Early, quiet, relaxing and yoga-filled. I like this “Me-Time” thing. I didn’t get quite as much done during the day yesterday as I wanted to, but all my vitamins are kicking in… and I’m enjoying a cup of coffee right now… so, I’ll be able to make a nice dinner before I head to work. I’m also really glad I have time to blog now. I really missed it.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 276… I’m glad that my digestive system has been working again. 😉 I woke up this morning and drank a bottle of water first thing. A great way to kick start the digestive system! Then – workout, shower, breakfast and vitamins. I guess I’ll take all my measurements soon.

50_reasons_to_exercise

I definetly feel some of those things off that list already after only 2 days. I woke up very easily this morning without my alarm clock.

So here I am starting over, for the last time. I’ll be 30 next year, and I’m not getting younger. I want to have my next kid before my son turns 5, he’ll be 3 this month. But I know that after 30 – Dr’s will categorize my pregnancy as high risk… and I don’t need to be obese on top of that – they’ll friggin put me on bed rest or something. Maybe it’s a blessing that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, I want to have a healthy pregnancy. This isn’t the last you’ve heard from me!! Look forward to my progress. 😉

Triggers

Everyone has triggers. But not everyone knows what exactly they are. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought I ate when I was upset. After self analysis and reflection… I’ve come to the conclusion that that is not 100% true. There have been times when I was upset (like seriously upset) and did not “take it to the fridge”. For me, I’ve come to the conclusion that when I’m feeling rejected – that’s when I compulsively eat. And I could state my evidence, but without going too deep into the confines of my memories – I’ll site past posts. My last fall out with my sister hit me heard and I couldn’t understand why it threw me off my game so much… I felt rejected, and that rejection from her broke my will. This is not just “I didn’t get the job” rejection, this is rejection from a loved one.

I’ve been trying to break my habits, and I’m proud to say the few times that I’ve felt like this I’ve gone to the gym in my apartment instead of eating. By realizing that feeling I’ve taken its power away.

Stress in Life

If I said “I haven’t been myself lately” maybe I’d be right. But there are a whole lot of times when I don’t know who I am, or what I should be doing. I get so stressed about things like money or the fact that we are down to 1 car again and there’s so much going on my head feels like it’s going to explode! Literally because of the high blood pressure that is mounting. I started this blog because it was supposed to help me hold myself accountable for my goals, and because it helps me release.

Truth be told… I don’t have many people I can talk to – just to vent and the very few I do – are probably sick of hearing about how stressed I am. Did I learn nothing last year?? Sometimes I don’t think I did.

I had been using stress as an excuse for not working out. For not eating how I should be eating. For not being happy with myself. I let it all get to me. But I realized something this week. The stress in life – will ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS be there in one way or another. The only thing I can do about it – is not let it control me and get me down.

I forgot how good and relaxing it feels to work out. I woke up yesterday and did The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga. It felt amazing. I’m kind of sore… but I was so relaxed after my shower I fell asleep and slept better in 2 hours than I did all night. We went for a family hike on Saturday. Again, it was amazing! I forgot all the benefits of working out and feeling good. I forgot that eating healthy – doesn’t make me feel sluggish or tired – but awake and alert.

I also realized that I gained 20 pounds… I worked so hard to lose – and there it was again and I couldn’t fit in a pair of my pants, and my shirt was too tight. What have I done to myself? I had good momentum!My husband gave me some wonderful inspirational words, “You did it once, you can do it again.” Oh I love that man! I let the stress of life get in between me and my husband at times – and I also realized when we were hiking regularly – we didn’t stress as much and we were spending quality time together and we didn’t let stupid things get in the way.

I let a lot of things get to me. I’ve never got any negative feedback here – but somehow I thought that no one who read my blog would care how I was doing. But there were a few people who asked me about it. I’m so sorry I thought that.

I miss that positive happier person I was when I worked out and ate right. It also helped that – that person fit into my clothes! (with room to spare)…. 😉 I think I found a little bit of myself this week. I like who I am when I’m making healthy and fit choices. It’s so hard to let go – because being negative and depressed and sad and stressed about my life is so easy.

I saw that new Disney movie Frozen, and Elsa’s song “Let it go” is amazing. That was an amazing movie and I think the overall theme is “don’t give up”.  It did make me cry because I wish that I had any one of my sisters in my life – but I can’t let that get to me. I don’t know – “conceal it, don’t feel it?”

Here’s a link to that song. 😉 Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

 

“The hardest part is letting go” Quote from Selena (movie)… when she was going to bungee jump. I always hear that in my head.

I did it once. I CAN DO IT, AGAIN!

 

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